Diwali is a fun time of the year. This year, on the fourth day of Padwa & Govardhan Puja, I decided to go out to watch a movie with my friends. This was the first Bollywood movie I was going to watch in a theatre since Bhaag Milkha Bhaag, which by the way was a great movie.
Bollywood movies generally suck. And they suck bad. I’m always speculative about any new movie from the industry and I only watch when I’m certain that the movie’s going to be fine. How? Well, that would be my movie instincts I guess. The only time I was wrong was with 3 Idiots, which was one of the best Bollywood movies till date, on the contrary to what I actually thought.
So, why Happy New Year? Well, first of all I wanted to spend my time with my hostel guys and second: I had the feeling that movie was not going to be that bad.
So what was my feeling after I saw the film? I’ll be honest here. I had totally mixed feelings about this film. But despite its flaws, it was not that bad.
The story was loosely inspired by another famous Hollywood movie (in this case, Ocean’s Eleven) with all the typical Bollywood masala. The movie was dumbed down to suit the average Indian viewer (that might sound very rude, but sadly it’s true), but in the end, despite all the jokes picked up from cartoons, the movie managed to be a decent package.
This movie is an example of a typical modern Bollywood flick. And here are my reasons why I don’t like these kinds of movies in general. I’ll use this movie as the example:
Not another copy!
Forget Hollywood. Bollywood movies are now referencing even other Bollywood movies! Oceans Eleven, okay. That’s expected because Bollywood does that all the time. But, now Chakde! India, Main Hoon Na, Dilwaale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge? What the hell?!
I didn’t know what was worse. The completely foolish jokes, or the audience actually laughing on these poor attempts at humour. Okay, I know that people also like movies with silly humour, even me for that matter. There are so many great movies that have solidified this genre. But Farah Khan should really know that excess of anything is bad. The excessive jokes and pranks almost ruined the feel of the entire movie for me.
Yea. Everyone is an idiot.
There is a sense of realism to many Hollywood movies but seriously, your car is NOT going to turn into a robot. But then why do even some of the most out-of-the-world movies seem realistic to us? All of that boils down to the characters. A movie only seems real when we can relate to the characters and we can only relate to the characters when the they behave like we expect them to. And that includes comedy movies too. I’m not talking of the stereotypical old Indian guy firmly believing in the Dowry System and expecting everyone else would believe it too. I’m just pointing out the fact that when two people fight on a ledge of the terrace of a skyscraper, people would not just sit and stare or even cheer when the fight is over. So why is this movie so hard to believe? Here’s what I learnt from my two and a half hours with Happy New Year:
- Even after months of planning, the thieves forget to note the time when the diamonds will actually arrive!
- All hackers are dumb dorks who can’t do anything besides working on a computer and get beaten up. Second, they always work in a tablet with a flashy application showing the word ‘Hacking‘ in more than half of the screen so there’s no room to type any code. Oh, and did I forget to mention that according to Bollywood, hacking requires no knowledge about computers besides the ability to click a button reading ‘Hack‘.
- Hacking is faster when everyone looks at the screen and shout together in anticipation. (Including the guy who’s supposed to be actually working on the machine.)
- No one in India enquires about how the worst dance team in India won the nationals, let alone get qualified in the first place. But that doesn’t matter because the inexperienced team of five bad dancers manage eventually go to win the world championships with little effort.
- The average Indian crowd throws stuff at you when angry and lifts you on their shoulders when in joy.
- The ‘most secure safe in the world’ has a direct connection to a hotel room and a sewer and no one knows about it except the thieves.
- The ‘most secure safe in the world’ is usually empty. Wtf?
- The thieves had less than five minutes while cracking the safe. Time was of utmost importance but in the last moments, Shah Rukh still managed to put in some more cheesy dialogues and type the seven-letter password in under half a minute, pronouncing all the letters while doing so. And in the meantime, everyone was crying listening to him.
- Shah Rukh Khan will always sport a cool hairstyle, wherever he goes or whatever he does. Other characters will always look silly, but not the hero. My god, not the hero!
- The hero is always calm and composed and always has a plan.
- The lead actress- oh sorry. The heroine forgives anyone who talks in English, even if someone (in this case, the hero) insults her in the most disgusting way.
- Shah Rukh Khan also knows Korean. Not because he learnt it while studying somewhere or because he had Korean friends but because it looks cool in the movie.
- Sorry, I forgot to mention: The ‘lead actor’ basically means ‘hero’.
- Shah Rukh Khan miraculously grows taller when near the lead actress (or heroine).
- A guy who can throw more than ten grown men high into the air at once has some trouble lifting a pipe.
- Guys always fight to the death for the most trivial matters. Like the Korean dude almost killing SRK because he put his hand on the guy’s shoulder.
- The good guys and the bad guys always walk in slow motion.
- The villain is always angry and breathes heavily while staring with bloodshot eyes.
- The villain never knew or even bothered to enquire if the man he had sent for life, had any family.
- The voice of the characters change completely when they sing and the entire world around them is also completely transformed whenever they feel like singing. Oh, and their wordings and rhythm are perfectly in tune because it’s the first time they’re singing the song together!
- People from other countries have nothing to say and always behave in the same manner, like robots.
- In the World Dance Championships, everyone supports India. Even the Americans paint the Tiranga on their faces instead of supporting their own country.
- In Dubai, teams from all over the world are participating but the media only talks about team India.
- When team India dances (in the finals), all the characters perform new moves in perfect synchrony as they are dancing like that for the first time. Also, twenty other dancers show up in the back while they’re at it.
- There are no sheikhs in Dubai except for Abhishek Bachchan impersonating one in the party.
- All international hosts speak Hindi. (And the rest of the world understands it.)
We weren’t supposed to watch the movie anyway
In the end, the movie basically had only one theme: his awesomeness, Shah Rukh Khan. Besides the terribly weak storyline (as usual), the purpose of the movie was chiefly to showcase how cool SRK is, how handsome and smart, how brave and strong he is and how he can literally do anything! Everyone else was a simple prop only to make silly jokes by making themselves look stupid.
- Happy New Year
Happy New Year at the time of Diwali? Forget it. By this time nothing makes sense any more.